A couple enters the office and sits on opposite sides of the couch. They don’t look at each other.  They begin to share the story of their latest painful conflict.  One partner describes the other as loud, critical and demanding. The other partner describes the first as withdrawn, sullen, and impossible to reach.

As we work together, we begin to make sense of this cycle. It goes something like this:

• “When you pull away I feel alone, so I get loud to get your attention.”
• “When you get loud, I feel scared that I’m getting it wrong and I want to hide away.”

As we unpack the negative cycle, it becomes clear how much this couple cares. However they need help understanding each other. For example, one partner is afraid of rejection and yells; the other feels shame and retreats.

Most couples have a pursuit and withdraw dynamic like the one in my example. Can you identify whether you tend to pursue or withdraw? Can you identify feelings underneath the need? Therapy can help you and your partner identify your negative cycle and frame it as a pursuit for connection. You will learn to reach to each other in a new way, a way that allows your partner to see your need and respond with care. The essential question all couples have of their partner is, “Are you there for me?”